My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Friday night party time 🥳
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
A short story about romance.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear